I'm a Criminal

Cops. Police. Pigs. Troopers. Scum. Defund.

Inhale, and Exhale.

Slow yourself. Be present.

Sometimes…. it feels like when I am triggered, there’s really nothing to do to help ground me…I get into my head and start problem solving and preparing for the worst. Well… -smiles gently- Sometimes yes, sometimes everything is true, but sometimes you grow just a little, itsy bitsy bit…. And then you grow a little more next time, you become more present, more aware, more authentic, and sometimes closed. Yes….It’s OKAY to close yourself, your heart, your body, when you are triggered. It’s a natural response to trauma and pain. Be with yourself. –big sigh-

How can your body guide you to feeling safe, what do you really need?

Often, I need to move, move my energy, my body, my mind something. I need to honor my flight energy. –sigh- But. I don’t know…. It just feels…..ehhh… a little childish to “run” so much. I’m coming into understanding the power of my energy, and standing true to what I know be it my rights, my voice, the power play of control by authority, all of the things through personal fucking experience…. Experience though, that I have found to be reinforced, supported and validated through theory and science. Yay science, history, human behavior, habit, and instincts.

Though…. I am not sure intuition, or instincts are supported by science all the time, alas, Spirituality comes into the balance. J

So….I practice tuning into my masculine, being direction, objective, concise, clear, and controlled.

If I am in control of myself, no one else can control me, and therefor I won’t surrender my power…. I only surrender my power, when I agree too. Not – Just – Because theirs a fucking big weak authority around! UGH! – screams –

I will not give away my power,

I will not “listen”

I will not submit

I will not run

I will not cry

I will stand strong

I will challenge

I will use my voice

I will know my power

I will exercise my rights

I will be free.

I remember the first time I was arrested in 2008. Wow…. 12 years ago. Huh!

I was on the side of the road and while I wasn’t aware of it at the time - the officer was totally high on the control he had over my emotions. I remember a snide look of confidence from him and his narcissistic attitude played on my empathic sensitivities and confusion. My roommate even drove by and screamed “He could rape you!!” urging me to me subservient and compliant. I realized how much fear motivated the control and power dynamic we have on each other…. It was so intense to feel, hear and see my power just winding away as I was questioned and interrogated into a black hole of confusion and trapped language. I mean….. there’s really nothing you can say or do right with the government.

Well…. You can but you have to be really really smart….then there’s the question of ethics, and the deep rooted idea of behaving, trusting something outside ourselves and wanting to be “good” – That confusing idea rooted in Christianity of being “good” or “bad” that proliferates through so much of our culture….that polarized thinking that lets us be easier to control, that doesn’t welcome creativity, or thinking outside the box. – Sigh-

That’s what I’d like others to know in themselves, and through these stories.

Trust yourself, trust your family, your community, trust your friends, trust people who you’re connected with, who you know and love.

The system is not designed to serve the individual.

The system is designed to make us obedient, and compliant.

So…. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

Ask questions, breathe, position yourself as safe as possible, call your friends, document.

As a “conventionally attractive” female, whom has traveled over 200,000 miles cross country by herself, I’ve learned, or rather reinforced a vigilance for myself to stay safe.

I definitely play with the line of danger…. and that’s the fun rebel side of me….but mostly. I just want to live my life. I want to avoid cops, avoid conflict and life in peace and harmony with the flow that is life, but instinctually I’ve learned how to look the fuck out. I’ve learned to have concise direction, walk with purpose, get to where I am going, carry myself in a way that doesn’t “invite” attention…. – There’s always those people though… who like a challenge. But mostly, people are afraid of the storm I bring as I move through the world. A friend gave me a compliment “your like a force of nature” I love being able to embody, and express an expansive loud bold brave energy. I am still finding places and spaces to do that…

-big sigh-

I’ve also grown into understanding that I don’t always want to intimidate, degrade, belittle, or dehumanize people through my actions. I want to always know I can access those parts of me if I need too…. Really for the sake of boundaries and my own protection, but I don’t need to have that wall up all the time. But… I really am learning to stand for what is important, and not run, communicate but not conflict, advocate but not enable, respect but not surrender, listen but not comply.

There is such a fine line between these practices…. It’s so slight; itty bitty…but its there and it’s being strengthened as time progresses, with awareness and mindfulness.

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Who the fuck am I?

Right? Like.... really who am I, to think.......-rolls eyes- I'm some big hotshot that is offering services, and like.... I know everything? Nahh of course not. I know, only what I've experienced and

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