Updated: Nov 25, 2020
I’ve been lied to, so have you….for years, probably…. About how to avoid, and plan for pregnancy and STIs.
You can only get pregnant two days out of your cycle. Did you know that?!
Fuck. I didn't.
Long before I really understood what boundaries where…or how to hold them before they were broken, -Ugh- Still a practice, I was in some pretty confusing situations with men…. I did “all of the things” to communicate my boundaries, I went on dates, I kept my clothes on, I didn’t party, I wasn’t alone with boys, I followed curphew….
I wasn’t in one of those families that took their daughters and sons out on dates….
I just had a strong feeling I didn’t want to be pregnant, nor have an STI. It was a scare tactic. ANYTHING you do, you’ll get pregnant. NO literally….I heard that when a penis is close to a vagina, the sperm “know” how to “get” to an egg….so even a dude having an erection can cause pregnancy.
I remember taking a shower with a guy, who – Well….I thought he was my boyfriend, because I liked him, ya know how it goes…. I was 17….
I thought us having a shower together got me pregnant even though I wore a fun lacy thong in the shower the entire time….
–Sigh- I didn’t miss my period, and we didn’t hang out after that and we weren’t pregnant….
BUT the fear…. Ugh… It was a long time after that before I was alone with a boy again…. The next time…. I went out with a man named – Wow…… the name just slipped my mind, we will call him Jack. Jack and I met because my car was having trouble and he worked at the mechanic shop, Brandon! His name is Brandon… He ran the shop, and we ended up hanging out a few times. One of the times we went to dinner we talked about having sex, I said I wanted to wait….and I wasn’t on birth control, didn’t know a lot about condoms, but wanted to use one, but by the end of the night he ended up “putting it in” without a condom, without asking, and really…he just put it in…..it was that special. Well he kind of “slipped it in” but slippage is kind of forgivable, I don’t think his actions were so easily forgiven.
It wasn’t for long, maybe a few minutes….and then we ended up going to sleep. I mostly didn’t even know what had happened….
The next day, I was freaking out…. I had no idea if I was pregnant but I didn’t believe in abortion and he guilted me into taking Plan B, using a line I shared to relate to dogs in shelters being overpopulated….saying the baby would be “unwanted” –ugh!- Gags….…..
After the Plan B, I bled a lot….It changed my cycle, and I just remember being in a lot of pain, and being alone. Ya know…. Men don’t have the same responsibilities for pregnancy as women do, and why would he go with me? I mean…. We just met, and we weren’t a couple or anything….I mean… No real man would accompany a young woman, by the way he was 10 years older than me, had been married once before and had a 5 year old son…. What the FUCK!
What does a real man do?
What is a man?
What does it take to be a man?
I never told anyone this story…. Until now. I don’t consider this my “first time” because I didn’t actually want to have sex…. But I didn’t “Say No” either…. So…. I guess it’s my fault? Women, being the wiser ones are so much more responsible for sexually boundaries then men, yet I never wanted to be….I just wanted connection, and love. –Sigh-
Welll……Now….as I am, looking back, I am so fucking grateful that I
1. Wasn’t pregnant, nor having a baby with Brandon
2. Learned about contraception before getting pregnant
3. Didn’t have another pregnancy “scare” really…. Ever
But really…. I’ve met so many young mothers, and so many single mothers, and so many women struggling with their partners, and I am grateful I haven’t had that struggle…..I have had many others, but who knows. Maybe we would have been happily ever after, or I would be coming into my second child, Wow….I would have had a 10 year old now… -sigh-
But I did not want to be a teen mom, I couldn’t rely on my family for anything….and I wasn’t going to raise a baby in a household connected to my self-centered mother, and my unaware father….I’m proud of the relationship we have now, but I had to learn about being a healthy human, a good mother, and a contributing member of society from outside my family system….
I had an idea of what stability meant, what to do to “be a good parent” and what balance meant….and still to be always learning and growing…. J
I am really grateful now for my family, and the way we are coming together as ourselves independent and whole to be in company with each other. J
However, Parents…. Not teaching about sex, intimacy and relationships is leaving the children to figure it out on their own, which is powerful in its own way also, but you can establish a relationship of trust, or provide them with resources they can rely on outside of you, such as books, or mentors….tune into how you communicate about sex, when you communicate about sex, and what is and isn’t acceptable….
I’ve always felt, and my education and experience has supported this idea – Children will show you, tell you or communicate to you what they want and need. When they are ready to understand about the bodies in a deeper way, or your body in a different way they will communicate that, with words, actions, questions, play, exploration….
Tune into your children! They are wise as fuck!
Stop lying to them!
Let’s stop teaching our children that a fucking stork brought their sibling.
Start communicating as young as possible…. like anything in life, the more natural you communicate about it with them, the more natural it will be retained in their bodies….
Look to resources that align with how you relate to sex, and branch of from there….
Lord have mercy…
I’ve always aligned with sex positivity, but only recently met communities of people who align with these concepts as well, other countries, other communities, the internet is a fabulous resource for information….don’t stop until your satisfied.