Stories that discredit the feminine.
What is this? Why are there so many stories of inequality for the feminine and masculine? Stories that make us question ourselves, that “put us in our place” that reinforce the unbalance of energy, resources and power?
One that sticks out to me is from working at a therapeutic boarding school – “She’s like a chameleon” ---Ohhh!!! One of those cute little animals that change colors and their eyes go in lots of different ways?? Yes. Those things…. But it’s not what was said…It’s how it’s said… See…as a feminine woman, a highly sensitive human I read energy…and….what I heard was…..
It’s not okay to be flexible.
It’s not okay to be different in different situations, adjustable, fluid, flowing…. It’s not okay to be able to tune in and respond from a place of understanding.
It’s only okay it be rigid, hard, predictable. Because – those behaviors my friends, those – are the ones that are easy to control, understand, read.
Another story from the same place was “She looks like a psychopath – I mean look at her!”
I still feel a pain in my heart when I go back to that place and am in that story, I don’t know how to support so I am quiet…see being the new girl. I couldn’t “rock the boat” but I wanted so badly to step into correcting, or something tangible.
However, with being highly sensitive, just writing this story and being with myself.
I am able to drop into that place, and hold space for myself to create a different story, one in which, I was able to stand up to that staff, one in which I told her – Your judgment, your lack of empathy, your criticism contribute to the pain that keeps people from knowing their power, keeps people confused about their worth and value.
She is expressing herself creatively! She’s dying to be seen, heard, and understood as she is/was!
So what the fuck! These girls get set away to boarding school to be “fixed” in their feminine? It’s like we are teaching our young girls they need to do what we say, because we “as their parents” know best. Why are children the last to loose their rights? Why do we have a culture that questions self worth? Why can’t we honor the flexibility and flow that is the feminine? Oh right….thank you patriarchy for not understanding. Even in these words….I feel hesitation because, well, insecurities for sharing my story, and the story of my journey in understanding the feminine, and myself has been…..long, and hard. I want to share….I want less suffering, I want more understanding empathy, and maybe these stories about the message I’ve held onto or the messages that others have heard will help us connect with ourselves and each other and move from a place of compassion.
See…. When that happened. I closed down, I heard judgment, and I was like fuck. I can’t “explain” my energy, I can’t “rationalize” my sensitivity, I just feel it…..but ya know, if you can’t see it or explain it…it’s not real right?
-sigh- Still a practice to honor my intuition, my worth, my love, my power.
I sometime worried I’m not woke enough to leave capitalism, or not numb enough to stay in capitalism. I’m not sure what the balance is…because like all of these practices, these are all new. Totally primitive, and learning where and when to be ourselves in a culture of blindness…. I’m often just wanting to feel safe to be myself.
Where is that place? I know. I have to find it in myself!
But it feels soooo hard…and confusing. It’s vulnerable. It’s well…a practice. Like all the journey…. How can you show up and practice under stress?
Or what's the balance of accepting stress and pleasure?
Loving it all? --It's to surrender to what is. That's what it is? I think?